Texts From Last Night
by Oxenstierna D. Yuki-Rin
Summary: A collection of oneshots that tell the stories behind various text messages sent last night. Ch. 3: "Who the hell is responsible for this! Well, if nobody's going to claim responsibility, why didn't you try and put out this fire!"
1. Law: Bumfuck, Nowhere

**Author's Note: **I'm trying something new here. Does anybody know of the website Texts From Last Night? Yes? No? Sort of? Well, I'll be making oneshots out of these texts, explaining what happened in each text. Here are some guidelines you must know:

**1\. **This fic may get bumped up to an M-rating due to the fact that some of the texts get really NSFW. I'll avoid the offensive ones, however.

**2\. **My many One Piece OCs will pop up from time-to-time. It happens.

**3\. **Instead of displaying the area code from each text, I will display who sent the text and who got it.

**4\. **This fic contains mentions of drinking, drugs, sex, swears, bizarre activities, and randomness. You have been warned.

**5\. **Last but not least, any canon characters that do appear may act out-of character (OOC). Granted, this is because it's a humor/crack/modern-day AU fic.

Okay? Let's begin with a good text that involves lawnmower races, truck stops, and Law as a Pitchfork-reading, craft beer-drinking hipster who listens to Bon Iver and Modest Mouse.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or Texts From Last Night.**

* * *

**Trafalgar Law sent to Eustass Kidd:**

"Just saw two guys having a lawnmower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi."

* * *

Trafalgar Law was not going to the Coachella Music and Arts Festival this year.

Granted, all of his friends were going and Jack White was headlining this year. But, this year, Law decided to skip the festival all together. It wasn't because his friends were all going to camp out there with no showers and no semblance of a healthy meal, but it was because of how over commercialized and mainstream the festival got. Instead of focusing on all of the talented musicians that performed at the show, it was all "Hot Coachella looks", "Cosmopolitan Magazine's Fifty Some-Odd Sex Tips For Coachella Weekend", and other vapid, shallow articles that passed over the music and talent.

Law should have quit going to the festival when The Black Keys last performed there. His decision to take a road trip up to San Francisco and Reno for Spring Break instead of Coachella came four or five years too late.

* * *

A bad engine forced Law to pull his vintage station wagon into a seedy-looking truck stop in the middle of bumfuck nowhere. While the mechanic - a large, blue-haired man named "Franky" - looked at his car, Law wandered inside the truck stop to look at the sugary snacks, day-old pizza kept warm under heat lamps, and tacky souvenirs to either look busy or to keep himself from being on his phone and wasting precious battery power.

"Sir, do you need anything?" A dark-haired, muscular teen working behind the counter asked as Law nonchalantly looked at the magazine section. Law slowly turned back to the clerk, noting the nametag on his shirt that said "Hello, my name is Ace. Have a wonderful day".

"Wonderful day my ass," Law said under his breath.

"What's that?" Ace - the clerk - asked.

"Sorry! Just having a bad day, that's all," Law said nervously.

"It's alright. Shit happens," Ace said with a shrug. "So, where are you from? Where are you going? What's your life story?"

"I'm from L.A.," Law said, scanning the store for an exit, bathroom, or a restaurant to duck into to get away from this overly-polite clerk in the middle of nowhere. "I'm going up to Reno for a few days and then I'm going to San Francisco."

"I've been to Reno. It's really nice this time of year. The people there are kind of odd, but the city itself is safe," Ace rambled, not noticing that Law was slowly creeping away from him and toward the truck stop's food court. "Okay, then. You have a great day! Be safe on the mountain roads up to Reno!"

* * *

After escaping from the clerk, Law found himself in a food court consisting of a McDonald's, some sort of down-home, Southern food place, an ice cream shop, a Chinese food place, and a Denny's diner. Being that he was a Pre-Med student in college, Law could tell that the only good option that sounded appetizing enough was Denny's. That, and he never really liked McDonald's.

A few minutes later, seated in a window booth in Denny's and drinking coffee with two sugars, Law contemplated his surroundings. He was stuck in this weird, slightly-creepy truck stop, and it would be a while until his car was fixed. He was in the middle of nowhere, where cell phone reception seemed weak at best and the nearest Target store was over a half-hour away.

At that moment, the thought of going to Coachella, camping out in the desert, and braving spoiled, badly-behaved rich kids in order to see St. Vincent or even Jack White seemed much more promising than this. At least there were security guards at Coachella. And hot showers, Wi-Fi hotspots, cell reception, craft beer, edible food, and city life.

"Welcome to Denny's! May I take your order?!"

At that moment, a cheerful, black-haired boy ran up to Law, clutching menus under his arm. Upon looking up at the waiter in shock, Law's face turned pale.

"Luffy?!" Law screamed. "What the fuck are you doing in this Denny's in the middle of Bumfuck, Nowhere?!"

"Law?! Is that you?!" Luffy screamed before he enveloped Law in a tight hug. "I missed you so much! It's so boring up here in Fuchsia Village! I want to go back to Los Angeles with you!"

Law calmly pushed Luffy off of him, trying not to gag on the smells of fried food and body odor.

"Please go away. I am not in the mood. I need to get to Reno," Law explained, his voice a low whisper. Almost on cue, Ace ran into the diner.

"Hey, Luffy! Shift's over! You want to go to the lawnmower race at pop's farm?!" Ace asked the waiter.

"...You race lawnmowers for fun?" Was the only reaction from Law.

"Yep!" Luffy answered with a wide grin.

"Don't you, like, have a movie theater or a mall up here? There's got to be something less dangerous to do," Law asked.

"Don't have one," Luffy said happily. "Those are an hour away."

Law slowly turned his head away from Luffy and Ace, as if he were staring into an imaginary camera a la The Office.

"Get me out of here..." Law said to himself.

* * *

The next thing Law knew, he was on a farm watching Luffy and Ace race two lawnmowers around.

"Go, Luffy, go!" An orange-haired girl screamed.

"You can do it, Ace!" A blue-haired girl standing next to Law yelled. Law said nothing as he pulled out his phone and texted somebody. Five minutes later, Law got a message.

**Trafalgar, I am not driving all the way up to Fuchsia Village to come get you.** **I don't care if your car broke down; I am on my way to Coachella with Killer, and we're stuck in traffic. **

**\- Kidd**

Law silently screamed to himself. This was not a good day, and he would now have to get a hotel room for the night.

"_I want to go home_," Law thought to himself.

* * *

**The last time The Black Keys performed at Coachella was 2011. So, I guess that as of this writing (March 23rd, 2015), this oneshot is kind of a future fic since I wrote it before Coachella 2015 (yes, Jack White headlined it).**


	2. Luffy and Usopp: Goldfish Races

**Chapter Warning(s): **Luffy and Usopp go on an adventure in Las Vegas. Also, one of my OCs, Victory, makes a cameo only because she's from the One Piece equivalent to Las Vegas.

* * *

**Usopp: **"1. They have goldfish races every Wednesday. 2. They have a Redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place."

**Luffy: **"1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. We're getting fucked up."

* * *

"Usopp, I said you could come with me to Las Vegas for my business trip, but I didn't say that you could bring a friend."

"Not my fault that Garp is stationed in South Korea right now."

That was the conversation Yasopp had with his son one early Wednesday morning as they sat in Yasopp's Subaru. Luffy was in the back seat sleeping, and Usopp sat with his father in the front seat.

"Okay, fine. Luffy can come," Yasopp said as he buckled his seatbelt. "But, if I get a call from Miss Robin saying that either of you failed your History midterm, your ass is going to be grounded until college."

"It's just an overnight trip, dad. We'll be back tomorrow night, and the midterm isn't until Friday," Usopp explained. Yasopp remained silent.

"Okay. Just don't get into any trouble," Yasopp said, starting the car. Little did he know, Usopp brought along Luffy because the two had learned about a restaurant in Las Vegas where they race goldfishes for fun and drink Redbull slushies. Sure, it came from the Capricorns - who were the most popular and richest kids in Lougetown High School -, but they were also notorious for lying, cheating, and stealing.

Why Luffy and Usopp were believing the popular kids, nobody knows. Then again, the Capricorns thought that the two were pretty gullible.

* * *

As soon as the three got to Las Vegas, Yasopp fobbed Luffy and Usopp onto Makino, his old friend. While Yasopp was at the conference for the engineering firm he worked for, Makino spent the day showing Luffy and Usopp around the Las Vegas Strip. The day went smoothly, save for an incident at the New York New York where Luffy and Usopp were stuck on the roller coaster for thirty minutes due to a power outage at the hotel.

Eventually, the time came to meet Yasopp for dinner. Makino chose the restaurant, Party's Restaurant and Bar in the MGM Grand, only because she worked there and could get a friends and family discount. However, there would be a change of plans that evening.

"What? What happened there?" Makino asked, on her phone with Yasopp. "It was Benn? Oh, dear. I'll be right down there."

Makino then hung up.

"That was your father, Usopp. Your dad's friend, Benn Beckmann, had a minor heart attack during the conference. I will be going to the hospital to visit him, so I should be back in an hour," Makino explained. "Please stay in the restaurant. The last thing I need is to pick the both of you up from juvie for gambling, doing Jell-O shots, or hanging out with strippers."

Grabbing her coat and her purse, Makino rushed out of the restaurant.

"So... Did we ever find that place with the goldfish races and Redbull slushies?" Luffy asked.

"I think it's in Circus Circus. The Strip is too fancy for a place that does goldfish races," Usopp answered. Just as Usopp stopped speaking, sirens went off throughout the restaurant.

"_Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, are you ready for our Wednesday Night Goldfish Races?!_"

Upon mention of "Wednesday Night Goldfish Races", Luffy and Usopp's ears perked up.

"I'm listening," Luffy said as he watched two waiters wheel in a kiddie swimming pool.

"_Here is your host for tonight's ceremonies, Victory Comstock!_"

At that moment, a blonde-haired girl with glasses walked into the restaurant, clutching a large fishbowl with several goldfish inside. Oddly enough, she appeared to be Luffy and Usopp's age, but was working in a bar.

"Good evening, Las Vegas! If you want to sign up for tonight's goldfish races, please proceed to the front of the restaurant while we get everything set up!" Victory yelled over the raucous crowd. Luffy lept out of his seat in excitement and ran toward the front of the bar, shouting something about "I'm signing up".

"Excuse me," Usopp said to a passing waitress. "Do you carry Redbull slushies?"

"We sure do," The waitress said with a smile. "They're on the house during the goldfish races."

"We'll take two," Usopp said.

* * *

Ten minutes later, buzzed by their Redbull slushies, Luffy and Usopp prepared to race their goldfishes.

"My goldfish is totally going to beat your goldfish!" Luffy shouted to Usopp. Usopp took a swig from his Redbull slushie.

"You're on!" Usopp said as Victory handed them plastic cups with one goldfish each inside.

"The rules are simple: First goldfish to complete three laps around the pool wins," Victory explained. "On my count, you will pour your goldfish into the pool. On your mark... Get set... GO!"

Luffy and Usopp poured their cups into the pool. Within seconds, the two goldfishes were frantically swimming around the pool.

"Go! Go! Go! Go!"

"Come on, Luffy needs more meat!" Luffy yelled.

"You can do it! Win for Usopp!" Usopp yelled as his fish swam ahead of Luffy's, crossing the start line in a blaze of glory. All around Usopp, cheers erupted. "Yes! I am the goldfish racing champion!"

"Aw, come on, Usopp! Best two out of three!" Luffy yelled. Usopp grabbed a can of Redbull sitting on a nearby table and chugged it down.

"Bring it on, Luffy!" Usopp yelled.

* * *

By the time Yasopp and Makino returned to Party's Bar, Usopp was passed out on the floor with cans of Redbull surrounding him, and Luffy was trying to fight off Victory with a pool cue.

Both Usopp and Luffy were grounded for a week when they got home from Vegas. Coincidentally, for unrelated reasons, Yasopp's engineering firm moved the conference to Seattle for no given reason.

* * *

**Luffy and Usopp getting high on energy drinks while racing goldfish is totally canon.**

**Also, please drink energy drinks responsibly.**


	3. Sanji: Shitty Birthday Party

**Chapter Warnings: **Spoiled rich kids, OCs, slightly-NSFW language, and a wild ride from start to finish.

* * *

**Sanji sent to Roronoa Zoro: **

"Keywords: Shitstorm, police, jail."

* * *

Sanji loved his job as a caterer for Baratie. Cooking was his passion, and he could share his passion with others. He loved living and working in the city of Los Angeles, which meant that there was always a chance he would be catering a celebrity event. Sanji also loved that he could get free booze from the events he worked at AND the beautiful women who attended the event.

Sanji also hated his job. As a caterer, Sanji saw it all - Drunk guests, food poisoning, injuries sustained from handling sharp kitchen equipment, demanding clients, and even grease fires. The cops were even called to a wedding he catered to once.

But nothing could prepare Sanji for this catering job. Sanji may have seen it all, but this job took the cake.

* * *

Friday night in October. After a long week, Sanji wanted nothing more to do than go home, order a pizza, and binge-watch Portlandia on Netflix. But, no. This spoiled, rich kid was turning seventeen, and a huge party was going to be held at her father's mansion. Since the dad's first choice of a catering crew went out of business the previous month, the Baratie had to pick up the catering job.

And that is how Sanji found himself inside of a large mansion in Beverly Hills, surrounded by teenage girls in short dresses and boys that reeked of Axe body spray. Loud, pop music pumped through the speakers, which made Sanji cringe every time he went into the large ballroom to drop off another tray of food. He wasn't a fan of Top 40 music, save for the occasional listen to _Uptown Funk_. Some of his favorite bands included stuff like Muse, Foo Fighters, and The Black Keys, but he was unlikely to find any of his preferences in music at this teen party that looked more like an exclusive nightclub in Hollywood.

As Sanji made his way through the dance floor, tray of vegan, mozzarella sticks in one hand and a magnum of non-alcoholic drinks in the other, he noticed that several of the teenagers were grinding to the Ariana Grande song playing through the speakers. At that moment, all Sanji wanted to do was take the mozzarella sticks, find his car, and get out of there before anyone noticed. Wage cuts be damned.

"Oh, my God! Who's water broke?!"

Immediately, the DJ stopped the music, and Sanji dropped the tray of vegan mozzarella sticks and the drinks. In the corner, a brown-haired girl was sitting on the floor, clutching her stomach in pain. A clear pool of water - Sanji hoped to God it was water - surrounded the girl, soaking her legs. A flock of girls ran up to her.

"Yuki-Rin, sweetie, what happened?" An Asian teenager wearing a Mandarin gown that was too revealing for her age asked the girl on the floor. Judging by the hot-pink tiara, Mandarin gown girl must have been the birthday girl.

"I'm going into labor! Damn it, Kazuma! I told you that broken condoms are bullshit!" Yuki-Rin screeched. Sanji said nothing as he ran through the room toward the kitchen, pushing teens out of the way.

"Hey! Bitch!"

"There's an emergency!" Sanji yelled back as he ran down the hall and into the kitchen. Inside, the rest of the Baratie staff were standing around, waiting - Ghin was smoking a cigarette, Patty was looking at his phone, Carne was drinking from a bottle of fancy wine, and Zeff was off to the side, talking to a well-dressed man who may or may not have been the birthday girl's father.

"Oi! We need an ambulance! Some girl is giving birth right in the middle of the party!" Sanji yelled. Everyone else in the room looked up in suspicion and confusion.

"What?" Ghin asked bluntly.

"You heard me! A girl went into labor in the middle of the party! Call an ambulance!" Sanji yelled. However, nobody moved or said anything. "Fine! I'll do it myself! I'll call the shitty ambulance and tell the shitty paramedics that a teenage girl just gave birth at this birthday party! It saves me the trouble of going back into the shitty party!"

* * *

One hectic hour later, after Yuki-Rin was taken to the hospital and the mood calmed down, the party resumed. Unfortunately for Sanji, he was back on the dance floor to bring more food out. The only bright spot to all of this was that the DJ began playing a song Sanji could tolerate - _Coming of Age _by Foster the People.

"_Feels like, feels like the coming of age..._" Sanji sang to himself as he set trays of food onto the tables in the back. Maybe after all of this, he could finally go home, get his pizza, and watch Netflix for the rest of the night. Just a few more hours of this shit-show, and it would be all over.

However, this was only the beginning of what was to come.

As Sanji turned around to leave the room to get more food and drinks, the DJ switched to another, more recognizable song.

"_Turn down for what?!_"

As soon as the rhythmic chant of "Turn down for what?" blared through the room, a no-holds-barred orgy seemed to begin among the teenagers. Within seconds, guys were discarding their suit jackets and shirts, girls took off their dresses, and seemingly everyone in the room started to dance in a very sexual manner. One girl was even pole dancing in the back, wearing nothing but a pair of Victoria's Secret panties.

Immediately, Sanji made a run for it, only to bump into the man Zeff was talking to earlier.

"Are you enjoying my daughter's party?" The man asked.

"Uhh... No," Sanji meekly answered. "I-I'm just part of catering, that's all. I don't care for this shitty party."

"It's alright," The man said before an awkward silence fell between the two. Then, loud moans pierced the air, coming from a different room in the mansion.

"Seen the birthday girl at all tonight?" Sanji asked in an effort to lighten the mood. Through the walls, the two men could make out a girl breathlessly shouting something about pounding an unmentionable body part.

"Mother of God... Is that my daughter having sex?!" The man yelled before he ran off. With a defeated sigh, Sanji trudged back to the kitchen, where yet another disaster greeted him - The oven was on fire, and the flames were spreading throughout the countertop.

"Oh, my God!" Sanji yelled before he grabbed the nearest fire extinguisher and sprayed white foam over the fire. A few seconds later, flames re-ignited inside of the pot burning on the front burners. Sanji said nothing as he frantically grabbed the biggest pot lid he could find and slammed it over the pot in an attempt to smother the fire.

"Who the hell is responsible for this?!" Sanji yelled. Nobody spoke. "Well, if nobody's going to claim responsibility, why didn't you try and put out this shitty fire?!"

"Sanji, sir, it was my fault. The chocolate wouldn't melt fast enough, so I left it on the burner for a little longer than usual," Ghin explained.

"That doesn't explain why you started a grease fire, Ghin. You were cooking chocolate, not making a Burger King Whopper," Sanji pointed out.

"Well, I also had to fry the crepes, and I may have used a bit too much cooking oil," Ghin added. As Sanji started to lunge at Ghin, Zeff put a hand up and stopped Sanji in his tracks.

"Sanji, I think it's time to bring out the birthday cake. We'll take care with cleaning up the mess from the fire," Zeff suggested, motioning to a sickly-sweet-looking, multi-tiered cake with white frosting. From Sanji's perspective, it looked like a wedding cake.

"Yeah, sure. I'll do it," Sanji said before he grabbed the handles of the cart the cake was placed on and wheeled it into the ballroom. As Sanji entered, something caught his eye - Birthday girl was standing in front of her guests, naked save for a bed sheet wrapped clumsily around her. In front of her was her father, and a handsome boy only wearing very tight jeans stood to her left.

"You whore! You agreed to go with the arranged marriage, but I find you sleeping with this punk!" The father yelled, ignoring his daughter's tears.

"_Wait... There was an arranged marriage?_" Sanji thought to himself.

"Daddy, no! This is my party!" The girl sobbed.

"I don't give a rat's ass! You live in my house, not your man whore's house! Obey my rules!" The father shouted. Inside of Sanji, he felt anger rise from within him. Before the dad could continue his assault on his daughter and her boyfriend, Sanji ran over to the father and slapped him across the face.

"Why don't you shut up and stop degrading your daughter?! You are a shitty excuse for a parent! Arranged marriage?! It's the 2010's! Get over yourself and your shitty greed!" Sanji yelled.

"Sir, you don't understand. My family and I are originally from China, where arranged marriage is a tradition that has existed for centuries," The father calmly explained.

"Arranged marriage my ass! I went to China six months ago to cater a wedding for a family friend, and she was allowed to choose who she wanted to marry!" Sanji yelled before he kicked the father in the balls. "By the way, all of your shitty guests were dancing in very provocative ways, and they're teenagers! Please do something about it before I shut this shitty party down!"

* * *

The police were called five minutes later. An hour after Sanji's tirade, he found himself at the nearby jail for questioning.

"We'll be holding you for the night, as you have instigated this fight," Officer Aokiji explained. "In the meantime, you get one phone call. Use it wisely."

As Sanji approached the telephone, he felt a wave of nausea wash over him. He didn't want to make this call, but he was the only one who was free tonight.

"_Hello?_"

"Zoro, it's Sanji. Long story short, I'm in jail, and I need you to come pick me up tomorrow morning..." Sanji said.

* * *

**That was indeed a wild ride from start to finish.**


End file.
